Knowing when not to text back after a first date

Do not wait a set number of hours simply to seem more interesting. Reply when you can say clearly what you mean. If you genuinely need time to decide what you think, take it, but do not turn silence into a tactic.

The available evidence does not establish a correct reply time. It shows that uncertainty can increase attraction in a narrow first-impressions setting, but it does not test deliberately delaying a message after a first date. Separate research associates breadcrumbing with lower satisfaction with life and greater loneliness and helplessness.

Does keeping someone guessing actually work? #

A 2011 paper in Psychological Science involved female undergraduates who viewed the Facebook profiles of male students and were told how much those men liked them. As the authors put it, Participants were more attracted to men who liked them a lot than to men who liked them an average amount.

There was also a group for whom the men's level of liking was left unclear. The authors reported: Results for the uncertain condition, however, were consistent with research on the pleasures of uncertainty. Uncertainty was therefore not uniformly off-putting in this first-impressions setting. But the study involved profiles and strangers. It did not test whether deliberately delaying a reply after a date improves attraction.

What the half-reply does to people #

One delayed reply was not what the breadcrumbing research tested. A 2020 study examined adults' reported experiences of breadcrumbing and ghosting.

The study, published in the International Journal of Environmental Research and Public Health, surveyed 626 adults aged 18 to 40. Those who reported being breadcrumbed by a dating partner in the previous year reported lower satisfaction with life and greater helplessness and self-perceived loneliness. In regression models, the authors found that suffering breadcrumbing would significantly increase the likelihood of experiencing less satisfaction with life, along with greater loneliness and helplessness.

In the same study, no significant relation was found between ghosting and any of the examined psychological correlates. That is not an endorsement of ghosting. It means the packet supports an association between breadcrumbing and the reported outcomes, not the same association for ghosting. It does not establish that breadcrumbing caused those outcomes.

So why do people reach for the delay? #

If you are tempted to impose a fixed waiting rule, ask what the wait is for. Needing time to think is different from withholding a reply to shape another person's impression of you.

Psychologist Dr Logan Jones told HuffPost UK that texting someone you are dating is one of the riskiest forms of communication for anxiously attached or avoidantly attached people, because it invites projection.

The deeper issue here isn't just texting but about our ability to emotionally regulate ourselves and find relational security

Jones also said it is difficult to put a number on an acceptable reply time. The evidence in this packet therefore offers no basis for a universal rule measured in hours.

When not texting back is the right call #

Waiting can be reasonable when its purpose is to help you give a clear and honest reply, rather than to create uncertainty.

• You do not yet know what you think. Take the time you need, then give a clear answer.
• You are about to reply only to end your own discomfort. Pause until you can say what you mean.
• You have decided you do not want a second date. Do not use delay to avoid answering. Send a short, clear message.
• You are drunk, upset or unable to give the message proper attention. Reply when you can do so clearly.

The useful distinction is purpose. A genuine pause should end in a clear response. A tactical delay is an attempt to keep the other person guessing, and the research here does not show that this improves attraction after a date.

Is any of this specific to apps? #

The advice applies to a large UK app-dating audience. Ofcom's Online Nation research found that more than one in 10 UK online adults use online dating services.

That figure establishes the scale of online dating in the UK, but it does not establish how people interpret a delayed message. Whether you met through an app or elsewhere, the evidence here does not show that waiting a calculated number of hours increases attraction after a first date.

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The practical rule is simple: reply when you have something honest and clear to say. Take time when you genuinely need it, not because you expect silence to make you more desirable.